First Celia:
Her first cold graced us with its appearance this month. She had a raspy gurgling cough and a stuffed/runny nose for 7 days. We were actually quite pleased with this seeing as our dr. told us that this cold is lasting 14 days in children.
She was up all times of the night. She was miserable all day. Steve and I took turns sleeping with her, bringing the futon into her bedroom to slumber. Her nose sucker got lots of action. We went through 6 kleenex boxes (did we mention Steve was sick with a cold PRIOR to Celia and then J got the cold WITH Celia, and then Steve proceeded to get another cold AFTER Celia and J? Can you say stress got the better of us?)
So she finally gets better -- starts to smile -- becomes more Celia-esque... and then one day was so FUSSY J thought she was going to jump out the window. Or off the roof. Or just run away.
Next day --there they were. 2 teeth poking through -- her top two incisors! So that little fuss budget had her reasons. I quickly chastised myself for getting upset and made a committment to be a better parent next time.
THEN low and behold -- she's getting mad again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! WHAT NOW??!!! Next day -- she's crawling. Here's Steve's video. Funny. Celia doesn't drink from a bottle. It's boob or cup. But we're going away for our anniversary for 2 days and Celia will need to have breastmilk from a bottle. As you see, she was just fine with this! WHEW!!! Watch this:
I tell myself again that our baby is so mellow, I KNOW that when she's fussy something's wrong. Next time, I will understand this. Next time I'll be a better parent.
We have a blast for a week. Celia's new mobility is freeing for us both. The sun ironically shows it's face, decides to warm our Michigan soil and we venture out every day for walks, grass pulling and accidential sunburns.
And then, it happens. Celia is crying ALL DAY. Crying, screaming, fussing, crying, whining, fussing. 8 days. All Day. My nerves were like downed electric wires sparking and fizzing in the night rain. My head was ringing. My back was knotted up and would lock and ache the second I heard her voice. I was MAD. She was CLEAN, FED, RESTED, HELD, LOVED.... WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?!?!?!?! "I can't do this," I said to Steve. "I'm leaving for a few days. I'm losing it!" Cry, Cry, Cry. No matter what I did. I actually threw things. I actually yelled. I actually felt like a robot on speed.
This morning -- look at that! Her top two middle teeth. And she's fine.
And so I say again... oh! NO!! Next time, Next time, I PROMISE Celia, I'll be the better parent. I'm So sorry!
And then I realize, this is what being a good parent is. You go through very hard times. You may not take the moment to have the higher attitude, but you TRY. You may feel like your head is going to roll off in search of peace leaving your body to still totter along with a laundry basket on the hip, a pan in one hand, a garden trowel in the other, and the vacumm cord wrapped around your ankle. But you make it. You keep in the game. You pray daily for it all to end. And of course it does. You still feed, love, change, rock, sing and dance with your child. You still play with them. You still kiss them. You make it. Good parent.
As for Steve and myself, well, you can imagine what we felt like during this, both getting our spring detox groove on as well. And the fat, dripping, sour red cherry on top -- the mortgage issue. We thought surely this would be cleared up. Somehow. Someway. But it just dragged on and on and on. Our friend Killian worked his tail off to help us. Worked overtime to get us the best we could get. And in the end, it all fell through. Just last night.
Details are long and tedious. Stories are detailed and depressing. But yet we feel oddly relieved. We're out of money. We're going to sell our home, and possibly lose it to foreclosure in the process if it doesn't sell quickly or I don't get a night job. (Even through it all I will not give up my day job as Celia's mom. That is solid, in stone, sacred, we both have committed to this)
The savings are gone and the retirement is gone. This will be the first month since Oct 2006 that this all began we'll have to say we can't make our payment. And it's a relief. We did our best. We fought a good hard fight. But we looked in the mirror. Our lips were bulging and swollen, blood ran off of a gash in the cheek, our left eye had a huge black circle adorning it, our nose was off to the right. It's time to stop, we said. It's time to stop. Ding, Ding, Ding. The bell has tolled. We step out of the ring. Collapse in a chair. It will take us years to fix the damage that has occured in just a year and a half. But you start over.
We are grateful that this was so aggrivating that it knocked us into the finite knowledge of having ultimate control over our finances. We were never going to be in debt to anyone again. Not even a mortgage company. We may get a small loan for land, but then we're going to build as the money comes in. We'll rent to get our savings back. We'll start over on the 401K. It's just a circle, this life. And here we are, at the beginning. Feels good. odd.
OH! And we went to see the Dalai Lama in Ann Arbor! It was wonderful to be in his presence and hear his words. There's much to be said about this, but we've talked long enough. Here's our top three moments: The Dalai Lama ( no cameras allowed, so here's the news from that day) Eating at Zingermans. The Arb. (Celia chilling in the Arb -- Steve's bliss :) )
